i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
