I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
