Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have feelings that need drinking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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