insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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