what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
