no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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