Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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