the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Enjoy the penises
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
