with your own penis?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
