If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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