I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize