I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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