so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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