Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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