I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
