I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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