Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
