he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
