I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
