The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you had me at cake vodka
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
