Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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