I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
