We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize