The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
