my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
