How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
