i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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