Just fell off a train. Bad.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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