He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
