Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize