I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I can't turn off my feet"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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