I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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