had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
