Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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