Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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