Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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