I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
