Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
