He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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