I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize