He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
