blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
