just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
