I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
