my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
