you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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