I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
