My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
