I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
