i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize