Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
