i think i have two assholes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
