she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize