I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
