If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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