what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
