So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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