Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You pole danced in your parka.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
