i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
