did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He passed out mid-signature
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
