also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Randomize
