The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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