all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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