You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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