i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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