More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
