Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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