They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
